Equinox
by jespah
Summary: Malcolm sacrifices everything to be with Lili.


What's the most important thing? What are you willing to sacrifice everything for?

_Star Trek  
Enterprise_

_Equinox_

A Star Trek Fan Fiction By  
J. R. Gershen-Siegel

**PG-13- Parents Strongly Cautioned**

Some material may be not be appropriate

for children under 13

_TrekUnited Publishing_

**This is a fan written work**

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Paramount Pictures, CBS Corporation and their licensee, Pocket Books. Any attempt to sell or rent this book should be reported to the copyright owners for their action

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First pdf online edition 04/DD/2012

Published for TrekUnited by  
L'Stok Press  
. .LStok

1

"You know, I'm going to miss you both," Captain Malcolm Reed said to the two people in his Ready Room on the _DC-1505_ – the_ USS Bluebird_.

"I'm just tired of being away from my kids," said his First Officer, Hoshi Sato Kimura. "I was there for their first steps but I'm not there for their first heartaches. Both are important; I just feel like I'm missing out."

"Travis?" asked Captain Reed.

"I just, I want to go home. I'm tired of giving up everything all the time. I better go back to the Bridge and work with Chris. He knows what he's doing but I just wanna be sure."

"By all means," said the captain. Travis left in order to work with his replacement – Christian Harris.

Hoshi turned to Malcolm. "What he's not telling you is that Ellen told him he'd better retire and come home. I think he and Ellen are close to divorcing over him being away so much."

"Oh, that's unfortunate," Malcolm said. His fingers brushed against a dull, grey metallic cuff that he wore on his left wrist and never took off. It was a gift.

"I suppose you don't have that issue, what with Lili being married and all."

"No, I don't suppose we do," Malcolm said tersely. Talk of his private romantic life often made him uncomfortable, but talking about the children was fair game, as was work. "How is Aidan getting on?"

"He'll make a decent First Officer," she said, "I think he's more worried about how Karin Bernstein-Shapiro will do at Tactical."

"And Chandler Masterson? How's he doing at Communications?"

"Great as always," she said, "if you can ever get him to cut the chatter. Chip is a little gabby at times."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"With T'Pol and Phlox already back on their home worlds, you'll be it – the last of the _NX-01_'s senior staff still in Starfleet. But at some point, you'll be joining us in retirement, I bet," Hoshi said. "No, wait – you're devoted to work."

"I am, I suppose," he said, "But you're right; you do miss the children and their trials and triumphs. The children are all about to be out there or already are. Tommy's an Ensign on the _Excelsior_. Joss is at Cornell Veterinary School and Declan's at Oxford. Joss, he looks so much like Doug. Laura Hayes – she's the elder sister to Doug's counterpart, Jay – she sent some photographs of Jay at a young age and the face there is virtually identical to Joss's. Doug says he looked that way when he was that age, too."

He paused for a second. "Mirror universes and counterparts – no wonder that information is classified. It's all so strange. Oh, and the others! Neil's finishing up business school on Lafa II. And Marie Patrice is fresh out of the Andorian Design School and working at her first high fashion job."

"But only Declan is yours, right?" she asked.

"Right. But I still care about what happens to them. Marie Patrice and Joss are, after all, Lili's, even though they are with Douglas. And Neil and Tommy are Doug's with Melissa, adopted by Leonora. Funny. Kevin would be four right about now." He glanced at his computer screen which had slipped into sleep mode and showed the date – _June thirtieth of 2181_.

"Kevin?"

"He was Melissa and Doug's third. He, uh, poor thing was born with multiple genetic problems. It's a syndrome called _Cri du chat_. He didn't survive the month." Again, Malcolm touched the cuff, a reminder of Lili and a feeling that, for a split second, they were together. "I didn't get to see him at all, and I missed his funeral. It was 2177. Jonathan Archer was two years into his tenure in the Federation Council and we were saber-rattling with the Klingons, just like we are now. I had to get the _Cochrane_ to the Neutral Zone and stay there, even though I was supposed to be working as a combat instructor at Starfleet." He shook his head. "That ship never felt like my own, it always felt like I had a command too soon and I hated being taken away from the family during that time."

"It's what Starfleet does," she said, "I guess it was easier when we were younger. But now …."

There was a communications chime. It was Chip Masterson. "I've got Leonora Digiorno for you, Captain."

"Ah," Malcolm smiled, "put her though."

"I'll leave you to your call," Hoshi said, departing.

"Lioness!" Malcolm enthused, using an old nickname for her and grinning broadly. "What brings this most unexpected pleasure?"

"I –"

He immediately realized something was wrong. "What's – what's happened?" A thousand scenarios leapt into his mind, each more horrible than the last.

"Malcolm, I'm not sure how to tell you this."

"Please, just say it," he begged.

"Doug Beckett is dead."

He immediately jumped to one of his awful conclusions. "Was anyone else hurt?" _Lili and Declan have to be all right. They have to be_, his mind screamed.

"It's not like that. He had a heart attack, while on a hunting trip with Melissa and Treve," she choked out. "He died in the big forest in the southern hemisphere of Lafa II."

"My God. How is Lili?" he asked, fingers dancing over the metal cuff in his stress, "And how is Melissa?"

"Shattered," was the only response, and Malcolm knew that it was the answer to both of his questions.

"A moment," he said, thinking quickly and holding up a hand. He punched a button on the console in front of him. "Travis?"

"Yes, sir?"

"How close are we to the _Excelsior_? At maximum warp?"

Travis checked his instruments. "About three hours away or so."

"Set a course. And have Mister Masterson contact Erika Hernandez. Perhaps we can shave some time off that."

"Sir, aren't we're supposed to be going to the Neutral Zone?"

"Travis, I don't need your questions!" Malcolm snapped in his distress. "Just execute my orders!"

"Uh, yes, sir."

Malcolm cut the line. On the Bridge, Hoshi and Travis looked at each other. "What should I do?" he asked. "Admiral Black's gonna see this as a direct violation of his orders."

Hoshi got up. "Say it came under my orders." She went to the Ready Room and hit the door chime. "Malcolm, it's me."

"Come, come in."

"What happened?" she asked.

"Douglas Beckett is dead," he said softly, a tiny bit calmer. "I, we, uh, we should pick up Thomas and, and bring him with us. I need to go to Lafa II, orders or no orders. We'll tell the Admiral something, I suppose. Since Doug is – _was, dammit, was _– the Commanding Officer for the military envoy on Lafa II, there's a connection to Starfleet. I can't conjure up the particulars about what to tell the Admiral. Not right now."

Hoshi sighed. "I'm so sorry." She hugged him. "I'll say there was a death in your family and we'll figure out the particulars on the fly. The Neutral Zone can wait a little bit – far as I'm aware, it's nothing urgent. They just want a presence right now, nothing more."

"Right," he said, "you and Aidan keep command for, I don't know, a week, perhaps?"

"Aidan will need the experience," she said. She then noticed that Leonora was still on the line. "I'll leave you to do the arrangements. If you need to talk, my door is always open. Hang in there, Norri."

He nodded and she left again. "We'll collect Thomas and bring him."

"Good," said Leonora. "Neil called Joss. He and Declan will get a transport from Earth. Marie Patrice is en route from Andoria already."

"Good, good."

"Malcolm," Leonora said, "The whole thing feels surreal. I think the thing that surprises me the most is my own reaction."

"Oh?"

"He was my romantic rival," she said, "competing for Melissa's affections. Yet now that he's gone, I'm not rejoicing, not even a tiny bit. I feel like, like there's this big, gaping maw now. It wasn't romantic – God knows it wasn't – but I'm coming to realize that I really did love him. Does that make any sense?"

"Absolutely," he said, "for I feel the same." He smiled wryly. "Of course he was my romantic rival as well. Yet I've never wished for his death. And now that it's happened, you're right, it's no cause for celebration at all. She is free to marry at some point, and I shall be first in line to ask, but I, too, feel bereft."

He paused for a moment, fingering the complicated scrollwork pattern on the cuff. "He was the linchpin that held our entire mad scheme together. Their open marriage and children, his relationship and children with Melissa, your relationship with Melissa and your adoption of Neil and Thomas, and my relationship with Lili and even Declan – they all sprang from him, truly, in one way or another. He was the centerpiece. No one can replace him. And I fear she will balk, and look at me as attempting to replace him."

"I can't say how Lili will react, or what she'll do," Norri said, "All I know is that Melissa rejects all overtures – and believe me, they're only for the sake of comforting her. I know I've got to step back and be patient. And I know it's early. But it's not easy, when I know how hurt she truly is."

"I shall have to do the same." He heard another chime. "Thomas and I will be there soon. My love to all. Reed out."

He hesitated for a moment before answering. "Yes?"

"I've got a revised ETA on rendezvousing with the _Excelsior_," Travis said, "One hour."

"Very well, thank you. Travis, I apologize for my earlier outburst."

"Captain, I understand. Don't worry about it."

Malcolm got up stiffly, feeling more tired than his sixty-eight years of life normally made him. He opened the Ready Room door and walked onto the Bridge. "I, I've had a death in the family. For those of you who knew him, it was Doug Beckett, né Hayes. We are going to gather up Douglas's third child, Thomas Digiorno-Madden, and then we are off to Lafa II before we go to the Neutral Zone. My apology for the delay – in particular for the fact that this may delay Travis and Hoshi's retirements a bit. Please forgive the delay. Thank you." He wearily trudged to his quarters.

Once there, he put in a call to Lili, but the message went straight to her mailbox. "_I'll be there very soon_," was the only message he left.

He sat there, unable to read or take his mind off things. The computer on his desk went into sleep mode and began to show the family photograph slide show that he knew was piped not only to his computer but also to his PADD, all of the children's PADDs, video walls at Lili's house on Lafa II, and at his house near hers and in Norri and Melissa's apartment in Fep City, and even to Lili's computer at her restaurant, _Reversal._

There was a picture of him and his friend Mark Latrelle, from school, horsing around. Then there was a short movie of Marie Patrice kicking a soccer goal. Another was of Tommy on the occasion of his becoming an Eagle Scout. Yet another was Norri's doctoral graduation. Another was of Melissa with her sisters.

Then the pictures changed, and there was a photograph of Joss with his girlfriend, Jia Sulu, at their prom. Another was of a four-year-old Jay Hayes with his big sister, Laura, at some family event. Another was of Doug himself, with his recruits – a press photograph taken only a few years previously. And Jay and Joss looked so much like Doug that it was a bit of an effort for Malcolm to remember that there really _weren't_ a lot of pictures of Doug. He had, often, been the doting father and the eager cameraman – the recorder but not the recorded.

He was thinking about that, and about Doug being from another place, another side of a proverbial pond, when the door chimed. "Come in, please."

It was Hoshi, with Tommy. "Mackum," Tommy said, and the two men hugged. Hoshi left them to their grief.

=/\=

Travis, at his quarters, got an earful from his wife about the delay. "But Ellie!" he finally yelled back, across the light years. "The captain had a death in the family. It'll be a few days or weeks and then I can get dropped off at a Starbase."

"Travis, really? C'mon," she said, still riled up. "You need to understand. There's _always_ a delay, _always_ a problem. I give you up for an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year. And it keeps on happening."

"This is different. Really, I am coming home soon," he pleaded with her.

"You don't get it, do you?" She shook her head. "When you're gone, I'm stuck with everything. The house, the car, the laundry, the dog – everything. And you come waltzing back home and expect everything to be all hunky dory. You don't expect to clean or pay the bills or anything. You just figure you'll have a nice visit. I've got news for you, Mister! This is your home. It is not a visit. You are," she started to cry; "supposed to be living here. And you aren't. You're completely disengaged, Travis."

"Ellen," he said; a pained look on his face, "I am not trying to stay away. Honestly, I'm not. The captain has to do this. Don't begrudge him that, all right? I'll be home as soon as I can. For good. We'll go to Lafa II, and then to the Neutral Zone, and I can get back in I think a month."

"It was supposed to be in a week!" she was still teary.

"Well, it got pushed back. Please, please, Baby, try to understand. I'm not doing this deliberately. It's just happening."

"_Everything_ just happens," she said as they cut the connection.

=/\=

"We just can't have this," Admiral Black said to Hoshi. "And I need to talk to him."

"Admiral," she said, fighting to maintain her composure, "Captain Reed just rolls over half the time and accepts whatever you all just give him. He finally took the initiative a bit and did a little something for himself, and for his family, and this is how you want to repay him?"

"He can't just take a starship and head out. We need to cover the Neutral Zone."

"And to what end?" she asked. "I'm sure everyone knows that this is a lot of big talk and, even if it's not, it isn't critical right now. I promise you, Admiral, if it becomes an emergency, we will come right back. But right now, will you just give him this? He doesn't ask for much. Hell, he doesn't ask for _anything _– and you know it."

The Admiral thought for a moment. "We'll say it's for supplies," he sighed. "And if it becomes an emergency, I will hold you to that. I'll also note it in his personnel file – and in yours, too, Lieutenant Commander, although I imagine you don't much care about that right now."

"Not when it comes to me," she said, "but if that's the price for doing the decent thing and letting the man have time with his family, then I'm glad to pay it."

2

A few days later, Travis flew them in a shuttle to the surface of Lafa II. His passengers were Malcolm, Tommy and Hoshi. A young woman greeted them, stylish in chic black. "Marie Patrice," Malcolm said to her as he kissed her cheek.

"Mackum," she said, touching his face. "Mom needs you. Norri and I can barely talk to her. Her mood, it changes constantly. She cries at the drop of a hat, and then she shakes it off and starts cooking again. Half the time, she refers to Dad in the present tense, like he's still with us."

Malcolm nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat. He strode to the house as Travis followed, carrying a duffle. "How are you holding up?" Hoshi asked her.

"Okay, I guess. Mom won't even sleep in their bed. She's in my old one most of the time. I guess we'll spill over into Mackum's, uh, _Malcolm's_, house, up the rise tonight."

Hoshi smiled a little. "That must be an old nickname."

"Yeah, it's from when we couldn't really say his name right. I guess he was too polite to object."

"He's too polite to object to a lot of things," Hoshi said.

=/\=

Malcolm was surprised when Pamela Hudson opened the door. "Reed," she said, kissing him on the cheek, an act that planted a lip-shaped bit of dark purple lipstick there which she hastened to rub off with her fingers, "you got here at a good time. Melissa seems to be able to talk to Norri, finally, but Lili's still kinda lost."

"I can barely imagine her feelings right now," he replied.

Pamela's husband, a Calafan named Treve, came over. "They'll rally 'round you, I think. He went fairly peacefully. When I got to where he lay, Melissa was making her final good-byes to him. His last words were of love for her and Lili. So far, I think those are the only things that have comforted Lili at all." He put a hand up slightly and his sleeve moved, and his silvery arm could be seen, a mark of his species.

Malcolm just nodded. He stepped into the house and went straight to the kitchen, figuring she was most likely to be there. He saw her, standing in front of the video cutout. Someone had paused it by touching the screen, and it was a picture of Doug and Lili's wedding, with Treve standing on the left, then Lili, then Doug and then a family friend, Miva, who had yet to arrive that day. Lili was pregnant with Joss in that picture, and looking a little dubious due to morning sickness. But the four of them were smiling. The photograph was over twenty years old.

"There's great hope behind that photograph," he said to her.

She turned, but she looked past him a bit, to Travis, even as Malcolm embraced her. She looked up and said, "Travis, let's get you something to eat."

She silently and almost mechanically made leftover roast elekai sandwiches for them and then others for Hoshi and Tommy once she saw them. No one had asked her for anything; Lili just did it. She set the plates down and walked away.

Melissa walked in, looking a bit haggard. "Tell me this is all a nightmare," she whispered to Malcolm as she hugged him.

There were sounds outside as Neil arrived with Joss and Declan, and Miva, who arrived separately, walked in behind them. "It'll be tomorrow," Norri said. No one had to ask her what she was talking about.

=/\=

Late that evening, Hoshi and Travis departed for the _Bluebird_ for the night. Everyone looked around, uncomfortable. "Ma Lili," Neil said, "Mom and Ma Norri and Dec and I can sleep in Mackum's house."

Lili just nodded. "And I shall as well," Malcolm said quietly. He leaned over and kissed her cheek and she flinched a little with the contact.

They hiked up the little rise to his house, which he had had built over fifteen years before, for her, and for Declan. "Mackum," Neil said, "I was kinda hinting that you'd sleep in the Beckett House."

"I know," he said, "but you see how she is. I'm just afraid I'd be intruding."

"She's hardly sleeping at all," Norri reported. "Just a cat nap here and there. She's not getting to REM sleep, I think."

"I know why," Melissa said as Malcolm opened the door for them all.

"Why, Mom?" asked Neil.

"It's the dreams," Melissa said, "You know this. This bracelet," she touched a thin circle with three concentric rings on it, "Malcolm's cuff, Lili and Doug's wedding rings – they're all made of a substance that allows us to share dreams. The Calafans, they have it in their skin. The scrollwork, the calloo they call it – it's the same element. And they sleep and they dream of those they hold dear." She started to cry and Norri held her until she had calmed down again.

Declan started tea as Neil and Malcolm put down the duffle and other small items. "Ma Melissa," Declan said, "those dreams, they meant a lot to you."

"They did," she said, weepy, "and they mean a lot to Malcolm. I shared with Doug, he shares with Lili. But now it all feels weird. It feels like I can't be there anymore. I would take this bracelet off, but it's a symbol. The circles, they're the boys. The biggest is Tommy, and then Neil and then Kevin."

Malcolm touched the cuff a bit as they talked. "I don't know what it will be. I don't know where intruding begins and caring stops."

"Let me tell you," Melissa sobbed, "she doesn't really know. Because I don't really know. I mean, I know you mean well – both of you," she looked at Leonora, who stepped back a bit, "but Lili's and my emotions, they are, they're all over the place. Sometimes a touch feels right, and it's comforting. Sometimes it's just smothering. Please, Norri, I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do."

=/\=

Sleeping that night was tougher than Malcolm had imagined. For the few nights of traveling to Lafa II, while still on the _Bluebird_, he had been able to sleep but his dreams had been normal human ones and had been forgettable. But there, it seemed far more likely that he would have a shared dream, the kind they called a Calafan-style dream. And that was the case that night.

_He was walking through a corridor, and there were dozens if not hundreds of doors. People – mostly Calafans of both silver and copper colors although there were a few humans in the mix – wandered in and out of doorways. He knew that these were people having similar shared dreams but, once they went past a door, they would have their privacy and only dream with whoever they wanted to be with._

_He saw a door with a black cloth on it. Something drew him there. He could not see behind it. He tried to knock but the cloth muffled the sound. He tried the knob and it was locked. He had no key, and awoke._

=/\=

The day of the funeral was an oddly chilly July day. A Calafan officiant prayed and chanted for a while and then numerous notes were read from various people who had known Doug or had known of him.

Councilman Archer's note was saved for last, and it spoke of how they had met Doug Hayes, that Lili had dreamt of a man who turned out to be from another universe. But that man had been good and loved her, and had rescued her. And in reward, the Calafans had found a way to briefly drop the veil between the two universes and bring him over permanently. The man had changed his surname to Beckett, leaving his old life behind completely, like immigrants sometimes do. And that crossing over had proven to be good not only for Lili, and eventually Melissa and the children, but also for everyone who Doug had known.

Then the coffin was placed into a hole near where Kevin was buried, in the back yard of the Beckett House.

Melissa wept as Norri held her. The kids all reacted in their own ways – Joss leaned on Jia. Marie Patrice dabbed at her eyes with a perfectly color-coordinated maroon handkerchief. Tommy sat and stoically gazed into the distance and, when the service was done, he saluted the old man's coffin and the freshly turned earth over the new grave. Neil cried on the shoulder of his girl, a Calafan named Yinora. And Declan put an arm around his mother. Lili, for her part, stared mutely into space.

Malcolm got up to speak. "For those who many not know, I shall tell you a bit about the life of a man who was born Douglas Jay Hayes, on Ganymede on the other side of a proverbial pond. Our universe has a counterpart universe, an imperfect mirror – what Calafans refer to as the _night people_. Just like any copper-colored Calafan, Doug was from there."

He paused to collect himself. "He came here in 2157, with your help. He came because he had fallen in love. And Lili was – and is – worth it, to throw everything away for."

She looked down.

"Only a few years after that, our arrangement began as they opened their marriage up. I shan't bore you with the details, but the execution is similar to how you Calafans operate, with a day and a night in harmony and in synchronization. For Douglas, his time was full. Lili possessed his days. And Melissa Madden owned his sleeping hours. He had thought, back in 2157, prior to crossing over, that his life was near its end, and he would have no legacy. Instead, he married Lili; he had a special and wonderful relationship with Melissa and fathered a total of five children."

He bit his lower lip before continuing. "For Joss, I imagine that you will always appear identical to Douglas, at various stages of his life, for his genetics, his face, it's mapped on yours. For Marie Patrice, the apple of his eye, your eyes match his, all bluish, greenish and greyish. For Thomas, you are, in every mannerism, Douglas's eerie twin. For Neil, I hear his voice in yours. And for Kevin, you are the one who paved the way."

At the sound of Kevin's name, Melissa cried out a little.

"How can I speak of a man who did so much? For there is a sixth child, Declan. He is mine biologically, and in every other way, of course. But after the initial three years of paternity leave, I had to depart. And so Declan, in many ways, was also Douglas's."

He breathed a little. "From Doug, Declan learned how to fish, how to hit a hanging curve ball – although I imagine Lili had a hand in that – and Declan also learned how to be responsible and caring. And how to get past what may have seemed like insurmountable odds. Douglas was conditioned from an early age to be violent and uncaring, yet he reversed all of that, and became, by all accounts, a loving family man and a solid citizen and defender of Lafa II. For Declan, this translated into a feeling of belonging even though he was, truly, so much of an outlier and an outsider."

Malcolm looked up for a second. "Douglas, as a former member of Starfleet, and now as the Captain of the defensive attaché to the envoy here, you protected a lot of people. Your legacy is not of the acts you committed in the mirror. Rather, it is in the safety of this system and it is etched on the faces and the hearts of all six children, and the two women who loved you. Thank you."

=/\=

There was a small reception, including some of the members of Doug's unit, who came and saluted their commanding officer one last time. Lili mutely served as if she were a waitress, even as Pamela and Neil and Laura and Miva and others tried to get her to sit down and stop.

There was a communications chime, and Hoshi answered it. "Now? Sheesh. Okay, we'll be there. Kimura out." She closed her communicator. "We've got a flare-up in the Neutral Zone."

Malcolm's face said it all – he was pained. He got up slowly and came over to Lili. "I am so very sorry, my love." He kissed her on the cheek and held her.

She looked away. "I'll wrap up something for you to take with you."

"You don't have to," he said.

"You don't understand," she said, "I _have_ to."

"All right," he said. He went up the rise to his own house.

Neil followed him. "How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know. Neil, can you look in on her, from time to time?"

The younger man looked at him and made the decision on the spot. "I can take this semester off and just write papers. And I can temporarily move into the Beckett House, too. I could spend most days with her."

"You would do that?" Malcolm asked, a little incredulous as he stuffed unused socks into his duffle.

"Of course," Neil said, "I've got three mothers. What kind of a guy would I be if I didn't try to take care of one of 'em?"

Malcolm stiffly hugged him. "You and I, I suppose we know each other the least. Allow me to rectify that, all right?" Neil just nodded.

The family watched the shuttle take off. "He remembered to stay off the day lilies," Lili said absently, walking back into the house.

3

When Malcolm could finally really look up, months had elapsed. He had called every day, and Neil had usually been there, just as promised. Lili didn't seem to be annoyed with Malcolm. It was more that she was somehow looking elsewhere.

Neil had also made sure to initiate the call on September second, for Malcolm's sixty-ninth birthday, and he would prompt Lili to talk about things they were making together or really anything in order to keep the conversation going. But it was difficult, and Malcolm feared that the easy, loving life he had had was ending. Just as Lili continued to mourn Doug, he found himself mourning what felt like the end of his happiness.

It was September twenty-first and the door chimed in his Ready Room. "Come in, please."

It was Travis. "Looks like things are finally easing up," he said.

"Yes. The Klingons don't seem to have a sense of decorum, eh? Not permitting you and Hoshi to retire on time or anything."

"No, they don't. Captain, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

Travis indicated the cuff, "How does it all work?"

"Work?"

"Yes. You have dreams, right? And they have something to do with that cuff you wear."

"Yes," Malcolm admitted, "this cuff is composed of a material called callidium. The Calafans, they naturally have a form of it on their extremities, which they call calloo." He stressed the first syllable more and the word sounded very British. "It interacts somehow with one's brain chemistry during REM sleep. Dreams can connect and be shared."

"So you don't have a situation where Lili hasn't seen you for months, because you see her every night."

"That was how it was initially." But he had to admit that it hadn't been that way for a while. Every night it was still the same black cloth covering the door and he could not get in, no matter what he tried.

"Captain?"

"Oh, yes, sorry, woolgathering there for a moment. You were saying?"

"With Ellen," Travis said, "she says it's hard for her to reconnect. So I was thinking, if I did something like this with her, I wouldn't have to be reconnecting all the time. We'd already be connected."

"You still miss out on all manner of things," Malcolm said, "You're still here, and she is still there. It's the burdens of Starfleet and even more so at my level. It's the burdens of command. You aren't there while the carpets are being laid or the baby is sick or new neighbors move in. It's the little things and you miss them all. You may be seeing her every night, and may be enjoying each other's company but the truth is that it's not like truly being there. You give up so much, and miss so much."

"I just want to salvage my career," Travis said. Then more quietly, he added, "And I want to salvage my marriage."

"I don't know what to tell you," Malcolm said. "Our careers are important. The Federation – they do need us at the Neutral Zone, you know. These flare ups are only going to continue."

"Probably."

"But there's more to it. We have both worked so hard for this. I don't believe I know anyone who wanted a command more than me." Malcolm said, staring off into space.

"There probably isn't anyone who did. And you got it. It's a good thing," Travis said, "You're a good captain, you know."

He murmured acknowledgment as Travis departed.

=/\=

That night, Malcolm settled himself in his quarters and initiated his nightly call to Lafa II. As had been happening for a while, Neil answered. "I'll go get her. We made empanadas today."

Lili was looking tired. "Empanadas, yes," she said distractedly. "Doug likes empanadas."

"Everyone does," Malcolm said to her. The call ended, as all of those calls did, with him telling her that he loved her and her looking far away, eyes misting over. "I am doing everything I can to come back to you," he said as the connection was broken.

=/\=

She was exhausted enough that night that, by accident, she didn't walk into Marie Patrice's old room. Instead, it was by dint of muscle memory, and she walked back into her old bedroom, the one she had shared with Doug. She settled on the left side of the bed – her side – and sleep came.

On the _Bluebird_, Malcolm, too, lay down, not even bothering to read. "It's still so very difficult," he whispered to the empty room.

=/\=

At her home on Lafa II, in her old bed, Lili began to dream for the first time in months.

_She was in a pitch black room but could sense that someone was there with her, somehow. Scared, she called out, "Who's there?" Then, more sharply, she said, "I don't want anyone here. Please leave me alone."_

_A response came out of the darkness, a voice that was familiar yet unfamiliar, all at the same time – "Don't be alarmed."_

=/\=

Malcolm, too, dreamt, but there was a misty light quality to the surroundings, a bit of a fog.

_He, too, could sense a presence. "Is there someone?"_

_He began to walk, and was in the same corridor as before, as he had been in every night since Doug's death. The other people in the dream ignored him, although they deferred to whoever was following behind him. He got to the same shrouded doorway, again knocking and then trying the lock, and was again rebuffed._

_A hand on his right arm caught his attention, and he turned. The scene changed, and it was just an open, white space, but he could see who'd grabbed his arm. The man's face was a bit obscured, but Malcolm could still figure out who it was. Surprised, Malcolm could only ask a one-word question, "Doug?" _

=/\=

"_Why shouldn't I be alarmed?" Lili asked, heart racing. "I've been having Calafan-style dreams for a good two decades already. I know how to change and control them. Whoever you are, you're not welcome. You're trespassing."_

"_Not even someone you knew?" A light shone, and the figure stepped into it._

_Her breath caught. "D-Doug?"_

"_No," he said, "I'm Doug's counterpart, Jay."_

=/\=

_In Malcolm's dream, Doug nodded. "Yep, that's me."_

"_How can this be so?" Malcolm asked. "So far as I am aware, the only ones who can enter these dreams are from our universe or the mirror." He thought for a moment. "So this cannot, by definition, be a Calafan-style dream," he concluded. "You're naught but a phantasm, conjured up by my mind."_

"_Think again, Reed," was the response, "this is a Calafan-type dream. Sniff the air and you'll know – you can use all five senses. That's how you know. I could pop you one, punch you in your uncomprehending head, and at least you'd know that much."_

"_But, really," Malcolm shook his head in disbelief. "You are gone. The Coroner herself said so. Either you are some sort of an imitation, or this is not a Calafan dream. Or I am dead as well."_

_A smile and a shake of the head accompanied the response. "I am well aware that I am dead. Really, I am abundantly aware of that."_

"_But–"_

"_But nothing. This is just another plane I'm on. I am here just as surely as you were with her on June twenty-ninth, the night before I died."_

"_Assuming, for the sake of argument, that what you are saying is so," Malcolm said, "then, why are you speaking with me? Wouldn't you prefer speaking to Melissa, or to Lili?"_

"_I wanna talk to you, Reed. It's about Lili."_

"_I am not saying I believe any of this," Malcolm said, "but if it is about her, then I will listen."_

=/\=

"_I saw your body shot into space. It was a good twenty-five or so years ago," Lili said._

"_That was me," Jay said, "and the first time you saw Doug, you thought he was me, and you remembered that, and that scared you then, way back when. But I really am here. There's a connection. It crosses the two universes and it crosses this way as well."_

"_So there's an afterlife," she concluded, "and that means Doug's there, right?"_

"_Yeah. And your parents are here, and Kevin and a whole host of other people from both sides of the pond."_

"_Both?"_

"_Yeah. Why do you think Doug could cross over to you at all, in the first place? Why do you think Calafans can make psionic contact? These are two sides of the same coin, Sparrow. And they share an afterlife, where it all reintegrates."_

"_What did you just call me?"_

=/\=

"_Lili has held back," Doug said to Malcolm, "and that part has to end. She's been giving up on everything. Neil being close has kept her going, but she needs you a lot more than she needs Neil."_

"_I've stayed away," Malcolm admitted, "Partly out of deference to you. And I've been occupied with this crisis or that one."_

"_Starfleet will run you ragged if you let them," Doug explained. "They will chew you up and spit you out if you allow it. They are killing off Travis's marriage. They are pulling Hoshi away from her children and they are keeping you from being there for Lili."_

"_I have duty," Malcolm stated, "And a command. I wanted one for so very long. She always supported that. My ship got a new name because of her. They wanted it to be the Defiant, but I said no, that it was to be the Bluebird. It was to hold out the promise of peace, despite being armed to the teeth. It was to have a blue logo as well, as she loves that color."_

_He paused and in the dream, as in his waking life, he touched the cuff a little bit. "The Bluebird may be armed, and this Cold War with the Klingons may turn hot and we may need to take her into battle, but I still wanted it to evoke Lili. If I could not be with her, at least, dammit, I could be on the ship inspired by her."_

"_Dammit, you're touching that metal cuff, when you should be touching her. Listen to me, Reed, 'cause I know what I'm talking about. Life is short," Doug said, snorting a little, "and regrets here are long. You make sacrifices every single day for Starfleet and the Federation. But maybe now those sacrifices need to come to an end. Maybe you need to start to really put her first and put yourself out there for her."_

"_But I do!"_

"_No, you don't," Doug said, "not really. You have a son together. And you have a long history. But even with all of that, you're still holding back."_

=/\=

_Jay put a hand on his own, high forehead and smiled. "I called you Sparrow. And I totally forgot, you have no idea what that's from."_

"_What's it from?"_

"_There's an iteration," he said, "almost an alternate reality, I suppose. A version of the NX-01, in 2154, is thrown back in time to 2037. We ended up together."_

"_No, we didn't," she insisted, remembering, "we met that ship's descendants and the records said that you and Malcolm both died young, and alone. And I ended up marrying José Torres."_

"_It looped twice," he said, "but we're off-track. I'm here to tell you something." A hand appeared on his shoulder and there was a figure behind him. "Actually, we both are."_

=/\=

"_Holding back? I love her more than anyone," Malcolm insisted._

"_I'm not questioning or belittling your love or your commitment."_

"_The things I do for Starfleet," Malcolm stated, "they are important."_

"_Kind of," Doug allowed, "but Aidan could captain the Bluebird, or a good half dozen other people, and those things would still get done. Your life, Reed, it's been derailed by Starfleet and the Federation in a thousand different ways. You know the video walls? All of those pictures? Your happiest smiles are from the three years you were on paternity leave for Declan. Since then, your life has, for the most part, been one big, fat obligation and sacrifice after another."_

=/\=

_The hand on Jay's shoulder was attached to a man who groped along. He looked like Malcolm, but his eyes were covered with what looked like a black, sticky tar._

"_Malcolm?" she asked, scared again. "Have you –? Has he–?"_

"_Malcolm is alive," said the man with the obscured face. "But just as Doug is Jay's counterpart in the mirror, I am Malcolm's."_

"_He is," Jay confirmed. "And like Doug, he got to a different plane and he changed his name in order to take the first step in reinventing himself."_

"_So you are Malcolm Dunphy?" she asked. "Doug took his mother's maiden name, Beckett. Did you do the same?"_

"_No, I kept the Reed part. Call me Ian."_

"_Malcolm likes that name, too. It was almost Declan's middle name," she said._

"_I know," said Ian, "Malcolm and I have quite a few things in common. And there are a lot of things that we don't have in common."_

"_May I ask?" she came closer. "Were you blind in life?" He shook his head. "Was it at the end of it?"_

"_You explain," Ian said._

_Jay said, "You get here, and that first day is amazing. You see everyone who's come before, from both universes. It's one big party. And then you go to sleep."_

"_You sleep?"_

"_Certainly," replied Ian, "we sleep, we dream, we eat – it's just about everything from before."_

"_So you sleep," Jay continued, "but that following morning, you're affected just like Ian here is."_

"_And they shove this cloth into your hands," Ian said. He pulled one out of a pocket. It was a snowy white._

"_Over time, you can wipe it away," Jay explained, "as you do good things, and you understand who you were, and you make up for what you've done. The cloth gets dirty." He produced his, and it was a dull grey not unlike an article that has been washed too many times. "Eventually, it blackens and begins to break down. When it's completely gone, you're fully forgiven."_

_She touched Ian's face and, as she had expected, the coal-black substance was sticky. A little of it got on her fingers. "What is this? What's it composed of?"_

_Ian answered her. "Your sins."_

=/\=

"_Are you saying that being with her is more vital than protecting our borders?" Malcolm asked._

"_I know it is," Doug said, "Like I said, regrets here are long. You make up for things. And it's hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. I don't dispute that protecting innocents is important."_

"_It's what we're supposed to do."_

"_Reed, that's fine and it's right, but it's not forever. She is forever. Love is forever. The people you love are the only thing that stands between you and despair sometimes. That's true on all of the planes. Don't touch metal; touch her."_

"_If they fail to hold the line because I'm gone, what does that mean? If I am self-serving, what good does it do anyone? A sacrifice, is it not, sometimes, what the circumstances demand?" Malcolm asked. "Is it not, on occasion, precisely what needs to be done?"_

"_It is," Doug admitted, "I won't deny that. But you need to think about being selfless in another way."_

=/\=

_Lili stood there. She took his cloth from Ian and gently wiped his face. A little of the sticky, tarry mess was rubbed off, but not very much. "Can you see anything now?" she asked._

"_A few shadows. And a white-hot flame."_

"_Does anyone ever, I dunno, skip this part?" she asked._

"_True innocents like Kevin, of course," Jay said._

"_But to be an infant for all of eternity," Lili shook her head. "Some reward for purity."_

"_You can be any age you like, even older than you were. Your counterpart does that. She was only nine when she died. She's been an adult, then back again, whatever she wants, just like any of us," Jay said._

"_How?"_

"_Time is somewhat irrelevant here," Ian said. "It's elastic, and we can stretch it forward or back in any direction. You know how pleasant things always seem to go by quickly, and horrible things seem to take forever? That really is true. Atonement and regret can take up a long time, and we can't truncate those. But being together, and having good things – that can seem to happen all too briefly. Yet we strive for it just the same."_

"_We definitely strive for it," she said, still wiping his face, her touch light as she made the effort._

"_For what you can do for Ian," Jay said, "we know you can do the same for Malcolm. Be his guide. Be his confidante, his sounding board, his comforter and his equal and his partner in every way, Sparrow."_

"_Give him," Ian groped for her hand and took the now slightly soiled cloth from her, "every consideration. Be his home and his reward. Be the damned good reason he should have, he must have, for making his sacrifices."_

_She leaned over and kissed him on the side of his face, lips brushing lightly adjacent to the stickiness. A tiny bit of it got on her lips. She accidentally tasted it and found it to be bitter._

_She turned to Jay. "Sparrow," he said, "I know what you're about to ask. And the answer is that you won't remember any of this, not really, not the details. And there's a reason for that. You got a lot more living to do. Remembering this would mean that you'd give up on life, and live to sleep and make contact. You've got plenty of time. Live and be happy. We'll still be here."_

"_Will I see you again?"_

"_Yes, and you'll even see Doug sometimes," Jay stated. "But right now, you've gotta tear down the wall you built. If there's any impression we gave you tonight, any grain of an idea, it should be to open the door to Malcolm again."_

_She put a hand on his face and gazed into his eyes. "I can see bits of grey and black. I guess you're not completely clean yet."_

"_I am not," Jay admitted, "but every day, I get closer. And now Ian will also start to."_

_She kissed him. "I'll need a guide when I get to where you are, like the blind always do."_

"_It'll be Doug," he said softly. "And then, Sparrow, you will guide Malcolm, when his time comes."_

=/\=

_"Another way?" Malcolm asked._

"_Think about it, Reed. Look, you wanna know why contact was made today, why it was even possible?" Malcolm nodded so Doug continued. "She was receptive, finally, but that wasn't all of it. It was also because today is the equinox. Day and night are equal today."_

"_But it's not the equinox on Lafa II."_

"_True," Doug said, "but those circadian rhythms still matter no matter how far away a human is from Earth. The day is her, and the day was me when I was with her. And the night was Melissa with me and you with Lili. But I'm gone now. So Malcolm, you need to be both Lili's day and her night. You need to be everything."_

"_Everything?"_

"_Just think about it," Doug said, "It's time for me to go. You're a smart guy, Reed. This will only give you an impression and nothing more, but I know you'll figure it out. You'll get where you need to go."_

_He disappeared into mists, joined by two other figures that melted into shadowy nothingness as morning arrived._

4

On Lafa II, Lili awoke and realized where she was. She sat up and turned on a computer, and made a call to the _USS Bluebird_.

Malcolm was yawning and stretching when the call came through. "It's good to see your face," he said.

"I had to call."

"Is everything all right? Where's Neil?"

"He's still asleep in Joss's old room," she said, "I've called because I have something to say to you, and I think I have something to ask you."

"All right."

"I'm sorry I've been so aloof and cold."

"You needed to mourn and so did I," he admitted. "And we may need to do more mourning yet. But you were not distant, and you could never be cold."

"I've missed you. I put up a wall between us. But I want to knock it down."

"I have stepped back," Malcolm said, "for you, for Douglas's memory, and because of my own pain. He touched _my_ life, too. I have had to sort out my own feelings. Being here, light-years from you, it's been clothed in duty, but the truth is that the distance, I think, has given us a chance to heal a bit."

"I needed to catch my breath."

"And it appears to be caught," he said, "now, did you have an inquiry for me?"

"The thing I had wanted to say to you is that, it's that I love you. And what I want to ask is; can we be together? Can I live in the Reed House, full time, with you forever? Can we be one? Can I be Mrs. Reed?"

"I should be the one doing the asking," He said, "While you're lying on a bed of flowers."

"They make you sneeze."

"Then I would sneeze, my love. For you to be Mrs. Reed, that is all I have wanted. Never to wish for his departure or your bereavement or loneliness – just for you, somehow, to be Mrs. Reed."

"When can you come home?"

"Springtime, I think. We'll make a show of force and rattle our sabers here at the Neutral Zone for a few more months, and then I shall come."

She briefly consulted a calendar. "May the twenty-fifth?"

"It's a Monday," he said, "Remembrance Day."

"Come a few days early. There's always some last-minute junk to do."

"The twentieth, then," he said.

"I want to see you in my dreams tonight, too."

"I'd like to see you as well," he said, "but I think mourning might not quite be done. I shall be respectful, and hold back in anticipation of our wedding, as if your grandfather was still alive and protecting your chastity."

"I've had three kids," she said, "But I know what you mean. Of course, on May twentieth, all bets are off."

"Most definitely," he agreed. "I shall take you to see the Great Plume of Agosoria tonight, in our dreams. It's a bit like fireworks."

"Wonderful," she said.

"Ma Lili?" came a voice from another room – Neil's. He came in. "Ah, there you are. I thought I heard voices. Hiya, Mackum."

"You're the first person we're telling," Lili said, "Malcolm and I are getting married next year."

"I can't think of better news," Neil said, hugging her. "You know I love you both. But Mackum," he said to Reed's image on the viewer, "I won't call you _Dad_."

"That's as it should be," Malcolm said, "That's someone else's name, anyway, as if you were to refer to me as Ian, or some such." In his mind, he realized that a selfless act was called for, and a decision was made, there and then. He figured out just how he could put her first. He could put _all _of them first.

"I'll get breakfast started," Neil said, departing.

"_Mrs. Ree –, uh, Mrs. Beckett_?"

"Yes, Captain Reed?" She smiled at him.

"I have ideas for a thousand gifts for you. Allow me to, please, get off the line for the moment and arrange the first one, the most important one."

"Okay, but hurry back, and then we'll call Declan and tell him."

"By all means. I love you."

"I love you." She cut the connection.

He punched a button on his computer console. "Computer, dictation mode." The cursor changed from blue to fuchsia, indicating that the system was ready.

"_Personal log, September the twenty-second, 2181. We are to be wed. And I have much more to tell, but first there is something I must do_."

He cleared his throat. "Computer, switch to letter-writing mode and take dictation."

The screen flashed once, signaling the system's readiness.

"_To: Admiral Black, Admiral Gardner and Councilman Jonathan Archer_

_From: Captain Malcolm Reed,_

_USS Bluebird, DC-1505_

_Gentlemen:_

_I should like to recommend the following promotions. Science Department Ensign Lucy Stone is truly exemplary. I highly recommend her elevation directly to Commander, bypassing the usual interim rank of Lieutenant. I further recommend that she be made the First Officer on the USS Bluebird._

_I also recommend that Commander Aidan MacKenzie be promoted to the captaincy of said vessel. Aidan's experience, loyalty, intelligence and bravery should all speak for themselves. He will hold the line as well as if not better than anyone in Starfleet. I give him my full blessing and wishes for the best._

_Starfleet and the Federation have done me well. I met my fiancée while serving on the NX-o1, and every assignment has been an intellectual challenge and a chance to use my talents to their fullest extents. I am grateful for the opportunity to have served._

_But now is the time for a new generation to take up the mantle of command. Aidan, Lucy and others like Karin Bernstein-Shapiro at Tactical, and Blair Claymore at the CMO position, and Christian Harris at Navigation and Jennifer Crossman Ramirez at Engineering and Chandler Masterson at Communications – this is their time now. I know they will sacrifice much to defend the Federation and to meet and befriend any number of new species, many of which we have not yet heard of and cannot begin to imagine. I hope that their sacrifices are fully appreciated. They should know that they are appreciated by me._

_And so I tender my resignation and announce my retirement from Starfleet, effective May the twentieth of 2182._

_All correspondence on and after that date may be sent to the Reed House on Lafa II, in the Lafa System._

_Godspeed._

_Yours, etc._

_Captain Malcolm Reed_

_Serial Number 02135_

_USS Bluebird, DC-1505"_

=/\=

53


End file.
